Connecting and Building Relationships
“If we are to be effective at leading students in spiritual transformation, taking them deeper in their relationship with Christ, we have to do so in the context of real relationships.” (Andy Blanks, Youth Ministry Essentials: 5 Distinctive of Relational Ministry)
How to Connect with Students
- A phone call during the week just to see how they are doing.
- Send them a postcard, short note, or letter.
- Stop by their next sporting event or fine arts performance and say “hi” afterwards.
- Organize a fun small group activity.
- Meet up with them before or after an event for a meal, coffee, or smoothie.
- Send them a text message. (Just make sure they have a texting plan first)
- Message them on Facebook or Twitter.
Building Relationships with Students
Below are 3 things you can do to build meaningful relationships with students.
1) Learn and Remember their Name
“One of the biggest benefits of remembering someone’s name is that it proves you’re interested in that person.” (Scott Rubin, Middle School Ministry)
“There is no word in a teenager’s vocabulary more enjoyed than the sound of his or her own name.” (Jeanne Mayo, Thriving Youth Groups)
This is a small thing to do, but it has a huge impact. When you learn a student’s name it changes the entire dynamic of the relationship. As mentioned above, doing this shows students that you are interested in them and that you care enough about them to learn their name. For some of us remembering a name is a lot easier said than done. Find a way to learn their name that works best for you (nick name, match a name with hair color, height, etc.) and then use that method.
2) Show an Interest in Them
Proverbs 27:23 - “Be sure you know the condition of your flocks, give careful attention to your herds.” (NIV)
“Student + Caring Adult + Jesus = Good Stuff” -Kurt Johnston (Kurt uses “middle schooler” instead of “student”, but I wanted this to be more relevant to student ministry as a whole. Regardless, this equation speak volumes of truth.)
Learning and remembering a student’s name is only one way of showing interest in a student. Another way is to begin having regular conversations with different students (just remember that conversations with students are different from conversations with adults). Through conversations you reinforce that you are interested in a student as well as learn more about them (likes, dislikes, talents, passion, favorite sports teams, tv shows, etc.). Here are some great conversation starting questions:
- “What’s the best or worst thing that’s happened to you this week?”
- “What do you think you’ll do for __________ (Christmas, Thanksgiving, Spring Break, etc.)?”
- “How’s school?” And then, “What’s your favorite class this year?” and then “What do you like about it?”
- “Got any pets?” (Don’t leave it as a ‘yes’ or ‘no’–ask for more information about the pet(s).)
- “Do you play any sports?” “How’s it going?” “What’s your coach like?”
- “What school clubs are you involved with?”
- “What was your high point or low point for the week?”
Once you get a conversation going with a student be sure to really listen to them. By doing that you show an interest in them right then, but you also have the opportunity to follow-up with part of your conversation the next time you see that student. By taking the time to listen and show students that we care and are interested in them makes a huge impact in their lives and the life of your student ministry.
3) Spending Time with Them Outside of the Church
“Unless you plan for some time to touch base with your students, it’ll probably never happen.” (Scott Rubin, Middle School Ministry)
“If you want the opportunity to be able to speak into the lives of teenagers, you must be willing to put in the time to grow real, authentic relationships with them.” (Andy Blanks, Youth Ministry Essentials: 5 Distinctive of Relational Ministry)
How do you spell love? You may have just spelled it out L-O-V-E, and on a vocabulary test you would be right. But in student ministry love is spelled T-I-M-E. You can tell students over and over again that you love and care for them, but if you never spend any time with them they will start to question that. Please don’t get me wrong, I understand that you have family, work, and other obligations in life that are important and that need your time. But it makes a big difference and impact when you not only meet with students in Sunday School/Small Groups, but also when you meet with students outside of the church (See ‘How to Connect with Students’ above). Meeting with students outside of the church can go a long way in encouraging students, challenging them in their faith, helping them through life circumstances, and seeing God unleashed in their souls.
Hebrews 3:13 - “But encourage one another daily, as long as it is called Today, so that none of your may be hardened by sin’s deceitfulness.” (NIV)
